


Paying for Past Mistakes

by Providence26



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Betrayal, Emotional Hurt, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 12:41:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13524480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Providence26/pseuds/Providence26
Summary: Alex goes after Olivia, Post Conviction





	Paying for Past Mistakes

They had been getting together for the odd lunch and dinner since Alex’s latest return. If Alex was honest with herself, these moments were the highlight of her week. She lived for the moments where she got to listen to Liv speak and hear all about her latest adventures. She too, enjoyed recounting the moments of her days, hearing Olivia laugh, watching the stress evaporate from her.

She had become attuned to the other woman’s body language, so she noticed the tensing of her shoulders as a beautiful woman walked past, nodding to Liv, but not stopping.

“She’s beautiful.”

“Yes.” Olivia’s reply was curt, offering nothing more than an agreement.

“Do you know her?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

“She’s my ex.”

“Oh, I see.” They rarely spoke of Liv’s love life, Alex asked but Liv deflected. Alex had heard rumor’s of Liv’s bisexuality, but Liv never confirmed it. She knew there were no rumors of her own, she had made sure of that, and the incidents with Robert and Jim seemed to have placed her in the heterosexual camp in people’s minds.

“Well, you have good taste.”

Olivia made a disgusted sound and looked away.

“Was it a bad break up?” She knew she was pushing, but as much as she cherished the friendship she had with Olivia, she wanted something deeper, and she knew she might never get another opportunity to talk about dating with her.

Getting Olivia to open up to her could be the first step they needed to become intimate on the level Alex desired.

“I caught her cheating on me, so you could say so, yes.”

“I’m sorry Liv. That…sucks.”

Olivia took a look at Alex, surprised by her sudden lack of eloquence.

“Yes it does. But I have since learned that I am not the first or the last woman she has cheated on.” Shaking herself out of her reverie Olivia continued, “I’m mostly over it. I am completely over her, but the feelings of being a fool and being betrayed still linger.”

“Is she the reason you aren’t dating?”

“Yeah.”

“Dry spells are tough.”

Olivia laughed, “They are, but I’m not in a dry spell.”

“No?”

“No. I’m not dating, but that doesn’t mean I’m not hooking up. I’m just not letting the emotions into play.”

Alex nodded, she had been in love with Olivia for over a decade, she hated the idea of other people touching her, even more than that, she hated that the other woman had harmed her beautiful Olivia’s heart.

It seemed that Olivia had had enough of this topic and changed the subject.

Several weeks passed by before Alex brought up the subject of dating again, she knew that Liv was fragile, and didn’t want to push.

“Would you ever consider dating a friend?”

Olivia didn’t immediately answer, this was one of the many things she loved about Olivia, that she considered her answers, looking at the issue from different viewpoints before replying.

“I wouldn’t rule it out, but it depends on the friend. Take Elliott for example, he is like a brother to me, it would feel incestuous, but I’m not dating remember?” Olivia leaned forward to pick up another carton of food, they were slobbing out at Alex’s, eating Thai and watching movies.

“Surely you are not planning on keeping that up forever?”

“Maybe, maybe not. So tell me, who is this friend who has caught your eye and prompted this question?”

“You.”

Olivia had been facing Alex as she said this, a mouthful of noodles was suddenly coughed in her direction. Alex sat helpless as noodles spiralled towards her in what seemed like slow motion.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Olivia took a deep sip of her drink to calm down,“No, I’m sorry, I got it all in your hair.” She tried to remove the food from Alex’s hair whilst simultaneously trying not to look at Alex.

“I should go.”

“Liv, wait, please.”

“Alex,” Olivia said softly, “Don’t.”

“Please, just one minute, and then you can go.”

Olivia nodded her assent.

“I think we would be really good together. We have the same sense of humor, we get on really well, I find you deeply attractive. I feel comfortable and safe with you.”

“It wouldn’t work Alex.”

“Why? Don’t you find me attractive?”

“You know I do, but I can’t.”

“Can you tell me why?”

“Robert.”

“What? But you’ve dated men too.” Alex’s voice started to rise with her indignation. “Is this some kind of double standard?” Alex was getting ready to head into a rant.

“And Jim.” Alex looked at Olivia, confusion giving way to a horrified realization.

“You aren’t going to say yes because I had an indiscretion with Jim?”

“You cheated on Robert. You know how I feel about infidelity. How could I be expected to trust you?”

“I made my mistake and I learned from it. That will never happen again. I know the price that gets paid when you cheat. You don’t just lose your relationship, you lose respect, respect from others, respect from your partner, but mostly your own self respect. I hated myself for a long time, but eventually you have to forgive yourself and move on. I’ve learned that lesson Liv, I promise you, I won’t do to you what she did.”

She could see indecision in Olivia’s eyes, this was not the time to push, if she forced Olivia to make a decision it was probable that it would not be in her favor.

“I need to think, this is a lot to take in.”

“Of course.”

“Just give me some time.”

Alex nodded, afraid that she would start either begging or crying if she said anything.

“I’m going to go, I’ll see you in a few days ok?”

That had been five days ago, Alex had held her phone in her hand almost constantly since that night, waiting and praying for some contact from Olivia. She looked up as someone tapped lightly on her office door, disappointed to see her colleague Mark, one of the ADAs who had an office a few doors down from hers.

“Hey Alex, I just wanted to see if you were busy tonight, maybe see if you wanted to get dinner with me?”

Alex took another look at her phone, still no message from Liv, she could take a hint.

“Sure, why not?”

“Great, I’ll pick you up from your place at 7.”

They had had a pleasant evening, nothing earth shattering had occurred, some light laughter, nothing like the full on belly laughs and almost convulsive fits of giggles Olivia gave her. He was good looking, and presentable, impeccable manners, her mother would have adored him. He didn’t make her pulse race, her heart pound, or evoke any arousal from her. But that wasn’t going to stop Alex from taking him home, to have one night’s relief from waiting for Olivia’s judgment.

“Hey Henry, is Alex home?”

“Good evening Detective Benson, let me check, I haven’t seen her since I started my shift.”

Olivia waited patiently whilst Henry called Alex’s Penthouse apartment.

“There’s no answer, have you tried her cell?”

“No, I wanted to speak to her in person, I’ll wait, I can’t imagine she would be too much longer if she is coming from work.”

“You girls and your late hours.”

Olivia smiled at Henry, he didn’t mean anything sexist by his comment, but as the father of three women and the grandfather of of five young girls he was accustomed to worrying about the women in his life.

“I have a pack of cards here Detective, fancy a game?”

Thirty minutes later, Olivia had gone into the back office where a staff restroom was located, Henry returned to the front door from showing Liv the location in time to see Alex return with a gentleman.

“Miss Cabot…”

“Good evening Henry.”

Henry was unsure whether to mention the detective’s presence to Alex, the man beside her was looking at Alex as though she was prey.

They stepped towards the elevator, the man’s hand had dropped to Alex’s rear. They turned around once they were in the elevator to face outwards, Alex went to press the button for her floor and looked up to see Olivia watching her. Her return from the bathroom had been timed perfectly to see just where the man’s hand rested and Alex’s horrified expression as the doors closed.

She picked up her jacket and fled, giving only a cursory goodbye to Henry.

In the elevator, Alex was so devastated she was on the verge of tears. _What the hell was she doing?_

“Mark, this was a mistake, you have to go.”

“What? But I thought…”

“No. I can’t do this.”

Alex pressed the button for the next floor, getting out and rushing down the stairs towards the front door.

“She’s gone.”

Alex whirled towards Henry.

“I don’t think she is coming back either Miss Cabot.”

_Oh God, what had she done?_

Olivia felt like a fool. Suckered a second time by a beautiful woman. Technically they weren’t even dating yet, but who asks someone out only to screw others whilst waiting for a reply?

She was glad she had not agreed to go out with Alex straight away, she had already proven herself untrustworthy, some traits never changed.

A confused Mark made his way out, but saw Alex sat on a chair in the lobby sobbing.

“Alex, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to..”

“Go Mark, this has nothing to do with you, I don’t want to see you again.”

He took a step back from Alex, looking at her, trying to gauge what the issue was, then just nodded and left.

Henry’s instinct was to comfort Alex, but he was unsure whether the usually stoic Alex Cabot would welcome the comfort. He was unsure of the exact issues, but felt he had a pretty good idea of what had happened.

“You should go after her.”

“I’ve ruined everything.”

“You don’t know that until you try.”

“Trust me Henry, I’ve blown it, big time.”

“Still, you can always apologize. Rarely does an apology make things worse.”

Alex nodded, heading back to the elevator, If she was going to confront Olivia it was not going to be in an outfit that screamed ‘you’re getting lucky tonight’ that she had worn on a date with someone else.

_Fuck! When had she become so stupid?_

Alex knocked on Amanda Rollins’ door. She had already tried Olivia’s apartment, and those of Fin, Nick and Munch, she was pretty certain that Olivia wouldn’t have gone all the way to Elliott’s in Queens. If Olivia wasn’t here then Melinda was next on her list.

Opening the door Amanda said, “This is not a good idea Alex.”

“I have to talk to her, explain..”

“Explain? This had better be good. From what I hear there really aren’t that many different scenarios that would explain his hand on your ass whilst you’re wearing a barely there outfit.”

Alex closed her eyes against the reality of the situation. Opening them again she saw the disdain in Amanda’s eyes. She had fucked up.

She had completely and truly fucked up her chances of being with the woman she had loved heart and soul for 12 years, but also she had fucked up any chance for a friendship with Olivia and a continued respectful working relationship with the detectives of the 1-6. They would hear about this, they would be civil, but they would never again have her back the way they had previously. You don’t fuck over one of their own and remain an insider.

“I need to apologize.”

“Do you really think she gives a shit about your apology? Your apology may make you feel better but it’s not going to do a thing for Liv.”

“Please.”

“Fine. It’s your funeral, but if anything happens I’m testifying that Liv shot you in self defense.”

Alex did a double take, not quite sure if Amanda was joking or not.

Olivia was sat at Amanda’s bedroom window, looking out into the alley below. She looked so beautiful that Alex’s chest hurt.

“I didn’t sleep with him.” She said softly.

The pause was so long that Alex thought Olivia hadn’t heard her.

“But you were going to.”

Alex couldn’t deny it, no matter how much she wanted to.

“Weren’t you?”

“Yes,” softly, meekly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I meant what I said Liv, I love you.”

“Stop Alex, just stop. Do you even listen to yourself? Two hours ago you were about to fuck someone else and here you are professing your love for me.”

“I do love you. I’ve loved you for years.”

“Well, I’ve seen how you treat people you claim to love,you cheated on Robert, you beg me to give you a chance, you promise me I can trust you, but when I ask for a few days you already start seeing someone else.”

“It has been five days.”

“Five days then, you say you’ve loved me for years, what’s five more days?”

“I thought you were giving me a hint. I wanted to forget.”

Olivia looked back out the window, “Go away Alex.”

“Can we still be friends?”

“No, I don’t think so. I think that would be a really bad idea.”

Alex choked back a sob, “For what it’s worth, I really am sorry.” Alex turned to go.

“Alex..”

Alex paused and turned, her eyes meeting Olivia’s.

“It’s not worth anything.” Alex nodded, tears immediately welling in her eyes, she managed to get outside Amanda’s front door before she completely broke down.

She had been this way since Sam Cavanaugh, anytime she was on the verge of something great she managed to sabotage it. Then WITSEC had changed her in so many ways, making her dangerously reckless in some ways and deeply cautious in others, she was missing a counter balance. She needed help, she thought for the first time that perhaps she had been wrong to refuse the counseling offered on her exit from the program. She couldn’t go on like this, hurting herself by hurting the people she loved. It was the worst kind of self harm.

********

Alex had been seeing a therapist for two months, ever since Olivia had caught her with Mark. She had felt deeply ashamed and regretted the decision to accept his invitation. At the same time, it had been for the best. She was working on long overdue issues. She had gone to see Olivia the night before to talk, Olivia had managed to successfully avoid Alex since that night. Alex had been determined to force some sort of contact between them. It had been a terrible idea. She had arrived in time to see Olivia kissing a beautiful woman against her apartment door, their hands roaming each other’s bodies frantically, they finally managed to get inside into Olivia’s apartment. Alex could hear their clattering as they stumbled their way through to the bedroom from the hallway. Alex hadn’t thought she could feel anymore hollow than she had when she looked into Olivia’s eyes outside the elevator, Mark’s hand on her ass. But watching, seeing, another woman’s mouth and hands on Olivia was the worst kind of punishment. She knew that it probably still didn’t approach the betrayal Olivia felt, after all, Alex had promised to treat Olivia better than her ex, she had no claim on Olivia, no right to feel this way. Olivia didn’t belong to her, even if her heart belonged to Olivia.

This was the topic of her current session, Alex realized as she was relaying the events that it may be necessary for her to come to terms with losing Olivia from her life completely. As unacceptable as that notion was, it was looking like the most likely reality. She couldn’t let go this easily. She had loved Olivia so deeply for so long that she couldn’t let go without giving it every effort. She had to hope that Olivia would listen to the discoveries and progress she had made in therapy. She knew she had to accept responsibility for her behavior with Mark, but also for a degree of what Olivia’s ex had put her through.

After her session had finished she sent Olivia an email:

_Can we meet up? I promise if you meet me and hear me out I will leave you alone, if that is what you want._

_Alex_

It took Olivia two days to reply, she wasn’t surprised, just glad Olivia had responded at all.

**You have the time it takes me to complete my run around Central Park. 5.30 am tomorrow. Entrance nearest my place. Take it or leave it.**

_Well, fuck._ Olivia was really going to make her work for it. She was going to have to be at her most eloquent whilst running and unable to establish eye contact with her. This was not ideal. But it seemed it was the best she was going to get so she would take it.

Olivia once again felt like a fool. She knew she should have told Alex to take a hike, but there had always been something between them, an undeniable pull that nothing could assuage. Robin’s infidelity had nearly destroyed her, it wasn’t the greatest love of her life, but there had been love between them, and Olivia thought there was commitment. She thought that she should have been a better judge of character. She should have seen the deception. That was the root of it. Her pride was hurt.

Alex’s aborted liaison with the handsy guy hurt more. She cared for Alex and had for years. She had never allowed herself to think about the possibility of something with Alex for more than a few minutes, it had seemed pointless. She had never considered that Alex would be interested in her, they were so vastly different. It was irrelevant now anyway. She would never consider any kind of relationship with someone who had such a flexible definition of fidelity.

Alex was early, deliberately so, She didn’t want to give Olivia any excuse to avoid her, if she was late it would give Olivia the excuse she needed to avoid this altogether. She was prepared to lay herself bare to Olivia’s scrutiny, this was likely to be her last and only opportunity to do so. Alex took the time waiting to warm up. She saw a man approach her, appraising her visually. This was the very last thing she needed, for Liv to see her being chatted up by some random guy. When he was three feet away she said loudly, “I’m not interested.” She saw a brief look of surprise register on the guy’s face before it turned red, and he jogged away. Receiving a couple of amused nods from other joggers Alex resumed her look out for Olivia.

At the point that Alex was sure Olivia had changed her mind, she saw her enter the park, her hair tied back, her white running top and black shorts contrasting perfectly against her skin. It was the most flesh she had seen of Olivia’s since the night Olivia had interrupted a date to watch an interrogation. That backless dress was featured in an astonishing number of Alex’s fantasies ever since. Alex felt her mouth go dry and her palms start to moisten, Olivia acknowledged her with a brief glance and continued into the park.

“I’ve missed you.”

Silence. That was expected, she knew Liv was not going to make this easy for her.

“I always miss you when we’re apart. When I was in WITSEC. When I came out of WITSEC.”

“You chose not to see me then, so try another argument counselor.”

_Ouch._

“It’s true, it may have been a self imposed exile, but it still hurt, being away from you hurts me. I had spent so long trying not to be Alex Cabot that I did not know how to return to being me.”

She could see that this was not registering with Olivia.

“I’ve been in therapy since I last saw you.”

She saw Liv’s head cock to the side, as if this was more interesting to her.

“My therapist has helped me look at this mess with some clarity. I couldn’t get emotionally involved with people in WITSEC, it felt like a lie. So I used sex as intimacy. It has become like an anesthetic for me. Whenever I feel in turmoil or vulnerable I turn to sex. The last time I had sex was before I told you that I love you.”

Alex let this thought settle for a moment, Olivia was still silent.

“I’m still a mess from WITSEC, but I am working on getting better. My therapist is really helping me. I think I can be the person you need me to be. Not right this minute, but if you are willing to wait for me, I promise you I will make it work. I will be faithful to you. I would be so grateful if you would just consider this. Consider me as a potential wife prospect.”

Olivia stumbled when Alex said the word wife.

“Are you ok?”

“Fine.”

They resumed their pace.

“Actually, no. I am not fine. Where do you get off talking about being my wife when you couldn’t even wait a few days before taking someone else to your bed?”

“I didn’t…”

“You were going to,” Olivia screamed at Alex, then quieter, “The only thing that stopped you was getting caught.”

Olivia stopped running and looked at Alex, “How can I trust you? Answer me that. And if I can’t trust you then what is the point?”

“You can trust me. I faltered Liv, my heart was breaking, I thought five days silence was your answer, I thought it was a no. I thought I had no chance with you and I was in so much pain, I wanted to forget it, silence it. I wanted to lose myself, and I wanted to feel something other than heartbreak and loss.”

The look in Olivia’s eyes almost shattered her, the combination of hope and despair at war within her.

“I just want one chance Liv. I promise you, I won’t let you regret it.”

Olivia was searching for the truth in her eyes, so she let everything she felt show.

“Ok.”

“Ok what? Ok I get my chance?”

“One chance.”

Alex let out a delighted sound and scooped up Olivia, swinging her round in a bone crushing hug.

They awkwardly separated, looking at each other, waiting for the other to speak. 

“Well, I should get going.”

Alex nods, “Right, ok.”

Olivia started to jog away, “Wait, Liv, when will I see you?”

“I’ll call you.”

“Is that a promise.”

“That’s a promise.”

**Author's Note:**

> A/N - there’s been a few Alex cheating fics around lately, I hate to add to them as I hate infidelity, but this story has been floating in my brain for a while now, and canon Alex is a cheater in Conviction, so it’s easy to put her in that spot.


End file.
